Disqualified Endearment
by Wendy McCalister
Summary: "A girl like her wouldn't suit my high standards." – those were the words he would always tell himself everytime he saw her. So why did he find himself harboring these feelings for her when he knew he shouldn't?


**Disqualified Endearment**

 **Summary:** "A girl like her wouldn't suit my high standards." – those were the words he would always tell himself everytime he saw her. So why did he find himself harboring these feelings for her when he knew he shouldn't?

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho.

Kurama remembered the way people used to put him down in the past, the memory as clear as crystal and still as painful then as it was today. Words like " _Ew, bookworm!_ " and " _Get away, you're disgusting!_ " echoed in his ears, as the image of his old self; round, old spectacles covering bright emerald eyes and short unruly red hair reaching only half the back of his neck entered his mind. He brushed off the recognition of his former appearance, burying it into the deepest part of his mind, where it'd hopefully never appear again.

That wasn't him anymore. That little boy who stayed behind after school hours just to spend his leisure time reading his book in the library, that boy who locked himself in his room while other kids were out playing baseball, that boy who was bullied, that boy who was hated by all. That boy who couldn't do anything right. That wasn't him anymore. He had long since shed that image; he was no longer a stereotypical nerd. He got his hair longer, went and bought contact lenses (he had to spend two weeks adjusting to the uncomfortableness of wearing them before he slowly got used to it), and started including himself in the social loop. People wanted to get closer to him, they adored him and wanted to be him, having long since forgotten his former self. Everything about him changed – looks and personality and all. No longer was he reserved, antisocial and timid—no, _now_ , it was every bit as easy to be playful as it was to announce the letters of ABC, every bit as easy as to be flirtatious without blushing and shying away from girls as it was to cut through a cake and eat it, half spoon-full. He was different now. Different, new and improved.

But, you see, the thing with having to put up with being insulted by others for years was that after all those cruel words spoken and given to you, you slowly started to believe them. This was the same case as being well-known and one of the most sought after boys in school. Words of amazement, showers of compliments, and you'd start to believe that you _were_ better than everyone else. And this was the same for Kurama. He _was_ better. His life was perfect now. He was happier than he had ever been. So, it was a given that he'd want to surround himself with people he considered would suit his standards – or more specifically, those from higher social class. He was picky with choosing his friends, and more fastidious when it came to picking girlfriends.

So no doubt, it was beyond his comprehension as to why this girl in front of him would even bother wasting her time and breath to express her feelings towards him.

"I like you."

As soon as those words left her lips, a scrunch of his nose and a look of disgust thrown her way were the only responses she had earned from the redhead. Kurama studied the girl, noting her blue hair sticking out in directions _he_ wouldn't want to stick out in, a few lost strands cascading down her face like curtains as her mane was held up in a messy bun. Her clothes, orange with white stripes shirt loose around her supple figure, accompanied with big, baggy, _torn_ baby blue pants, and old, dirty red sneakers on her feet gave away the fact that this girl hadn't even an inkling sense of style. Hiding her wide, ingenuous pools of amethysts from his view was a pair of seemingly ancient, almost broken round spectacles that reminded him too much of the ones he used to have as a kid, the reminiscing only serving to aggravate him even more.

He scoffed inwardly. She had the nerve of asking him out while looking like she just came out of a cat fight. Maybe she had. Kurama couldn't tell.

"Sorry," he started, sounding less than sincere as he rolled his eyes. "I don't date girls like you. I have high standards." His voice, dry and emotionless, spoke frankly, without bothering to think of her feelings.

Sparing one last glance over his shoulder at the expression of hurt and shock on her features, he made another scoffing sound as he slid his hands into the warmth of his pockets and left.

Vaguely, he recalled seeing a tear trickle down her cheek.

Or maybe that was just his imagination?

* * *

The second time he met her was when they were in the library.

He and his group of peers rarely did study at school, preferring the calm, comfortable silence of their homes over the noisy whispers of student-filled rooms anytime of the day. But he had been forced to help out Kuronue who had failed in his math test and forced to take another, in fear that he would have to face expulsion if he didn't and when the others had bailed out on him.

And he'd seen her then, hair tied up in a high ponytail and wearing a white hoodie, those same fragile glasses still at the bridge of her nose as she held up a stack of books thicker than a dictionary in her hands. For some reason, he found himself capticvated by her, and couldn't help but watch her struggle with holding the books that were far bigger than her small form before Kuronue's call of his name snapped him out of his trance.

"What?" He blinked, absent-mindedly, and fixed a blank stare on the black-haired lad. When he finally noticed the weird look Kuronue sent his way, he formed a deep frown with the crease of his eyebrows, his voice holding a tinge of irritation as he repeated, "What?"

Kuronue pursed his lips and arched his eyebrows before leaning back in his chair. He seemed to be scrutinizing him, which didn't sit well with Kurama. It was okay when he was trying to read someone, but he didn't like it when he was being read. He felt exposed, as if his secrets would spill out and _that was the last on his list of things he wanted to happen_.

"You…" Kuronue started and the redhead visibly tensed. "Do you… like her or something?" he asked, all of a sudden, watching as Kurama's green irises tinted with bewilderment over his words. Distinctly, he caught an underlying look of disgust.

"Who, _her_?" Kurama scoffed as he pointed at the blue-haired girl. "Probably in a million years."

"Are you sure?" Kuronue inquired with a slight smirk lingering at the corners of his lips. "I mean, don't get me wrong, I wouldn't judge you even if you did—"

"I _don't_ ," Kurama cut him off with a sharp hiss, his features growing fierce. "Why would I even like someone like her? She's not my type, anyway."

Kuronue frowned, but seemed to consider something. "Didn't she confess to you before?"

That threw Kurama off guard. "What? How did you know that?"

"Well, hard not to know when I've been friends with her since childhood," Kuronue answered, giving a light shrug of his shoulder, "and also because she keeps telling me how much she likes you."

"Wait," Kurama perked up in interest, "you _know_ her?" No, didn't he say he was _friends_ with her? Kuronue was friends with _that girl_?

"Yeah," Kuronue replied slowly, voice slightly hesitant, whilst wondering why Kurama was staring at him as if he'd grown two heads. "We've been besties since… seven? Yeah, seven. We don't usually hang out at school, though. She says she fears that it might ruin my reputation if someone sees us together. I don't really care, but, yeah, Botan can be persistent sometimes."

"Botan? Her name's Botan?" Acutely, Kurama was aware that he wasn't acting like himself, looking as if he was _that_ interested to know details of a girl people would perceive as out of his league. He wasn't sure why he was so curious about her – maybe it was because she resembled his past self in so many ways… but then again that should have been all the more reason for him to ignore her. Yet, he found that he couldn't. For some odd reason that was beyond his comprehension.

"Yeah, Botan Fukuyama. She's in class 3-A. You know, the one with those super smart… uh, smartasses. The one next to ours," Kuronue explained.

Kurama brushed off his annoyance over Kuronue telling something that was so obvious – what, did he look _that_ stupid or something? _Heh._ – as he turned his gaze to the girl. He mouthed her name, _Botan Fukuyama_ , under his breath and couldn't help but note how perfectly it rolled off his tongue.

Was it a moment or two after that? But, he eyed her taking off her glasses so as to clean the debris off of them, temporarily dazzled by the vibrant, unique shade of her purple orbs, before he quickly shook his head. Shit, what was he thinking? He almost thought she looked beautiful. _Beautiful._ Imagine that. A dirty, little, ragged, fragile girl like her, being called _beautiful_? And by him, nonetheless?

He must be going insane.

* * *

"Oh, crap," Kurama cursed savagely under his breath as he watched the rain drops plopped down the ground in quick, heavy motion. Glaring at the dark clouds, he momentarily chastised himself for his decision of not trusting the weather report man. He _knew_ he should have brought an umbrella! But imagining what his peers would say – " _Kurama, you believe in the weather forecast? That doesn't suit you!"_ , followed by fits of chuckles intending to make fun of him – he had chosen to go against his better judgement. Talk about making the worst mistake. Was he supposed to run through this heavy downpour from the school to his house? The journey itself took over fifteen minutes! He'd rather sit here and wait… but that itself didn't sit well with him. Lately, he'd been feeling on edge. And he felt as if it had something to do with that Botan girl who confessed to him a week ago.

What was he doing, thinking of her? It was utterly nonsensical. Yet, he found his own mind wandering to her, even the smallest things reminding him of her. It took him a while before he realized he'd been watching her without knowing. He knew she always took care of the stray cat living at the back of the school, even going as far as making a car tent for the little feline in order to ensure that it was safe and comfortable at a place that could be called a simple accomodation. He even knew she liked staying behind after school hours to clean up the mess in her classroom and wipe off the words written on the blackboard, something normal students wouldn't even be willing to do. He also knew she enjoyed helping those in need, her friends never without her assistance and support, and even noticed that even teachers and strangers were not excluded from her kindness. And he'd noticed her likes and dislikes; the way her features brightened up whenever she saw something cute, the way she scrunched her nose in discomfort when others were showing off lack of manners and being rude to her peers – _heck_ , he even noticed the way she would bite at the plump skin of her bottom lip whenever she was nervous or timid. Something she would always do whenever he caught her staring. He paid special- _unusual_ -attention to the littlest of details about her, finding himself momentarily enthralled by her, caught under her binding spell… until he realized that he'd been basically stalking her and watching her, and hating her for the effect she had on him even though she didn't even deserve to have this kind of effect on him. No one had ever had this kind of effect on him. So, why the hell did someone like _her_ -?

"Minamino-kun?" A familiar – an all _too_ familiar – voice sounded in the midst of the drip-drop of the heavy rain and he whirled his head to the side. Sky blue hair, amethyst eyes and sweet innocence practically radiating off of her. _Shit._ It was _Botan_. What the hell was she doing here?

His first instinct was to spin on his heels and run for dear life – too hell with his fear of getting soaked from head to toe and freezing to death in the cold rain. But, he found that he couldn't. Something grabbed as his legs, almost as if forcing him to stay still. He stared at her, she stared back, and then he noticed she wasn't wearing her trademark glasses today.

"Um," the girl started, breaking off the tense, uncomfortable silence. Her cheeks flushed pink, demure under his intense gaze, "would you like this?"

He blinked. Stupidly. Then, he realized what she was talking about.

The girl was extending a pink, black polka-dotted umbrella at him, her body language tense, screaming for him to accept her generous offer. He wanted to decline. He wanted to see her cry. He wanted her to leave him alone. Besides, what did she expect him to do? Accept such a frivolous, girlish and offputting excuse of an umbrella? He'd rather freeze to death before he'd even do such a thing. He wasn't stupid. He wasn't a girl. And he especially didn't use pink. Even if his former school uniform was pink. But, that wasn't the point. The uniform was practically school laws, and he had no choice to abide, even though he'd scrunch his nose in disgust the first time he saw it. And plus, what on earth was this dumb, naïve woman doing? Didn't he reject her? Shouldn't she want to stay as far away as possible from him? And he hadn't even rejected her that nicely or politely. He didn't even bother to think of how she must have felt. Yet, here she was, standing in the rain, soaking from head to toe, her blue locks sticking to her sweet face, clothes clinging tightly to her – _ahem_ – feminine curves, and offering him an umbrella. She blinked at him, her eyes wide and ingenuous. Ah. This woman was just too nice and gullible. He had no doubt that others had taken advantage of her countless times before.

"Minamino-kun?" she called, and he blinked, clearing away his hazy vision. He hadn't realized he hadn't given her a proper response. "Are you okay?" she asked him, her voice worried, cheeks pink – although he expected it was from the coldness of the rain – and lips trembling. How cute—

He accepted the umbrella with an alacrity he hoped she didn't notice. She smiled. And despite the gloomy atmosphere around them, the whole world seemed to light up. _Ah, now what the hell was he going on about?_

He mustered the sufficient amount of courage needed to look at her straight in the eyes, and in a low voice, almost as if he feared he was saying something he shouldn't, whispered the words,

"Thank you, Botan."

* * *

The next morning, he brought the umbrella to school, having made a mental note earlier at dawn that he should return it to Botan. He'd ignored the weird looks he received from his fellow students – after all, he was Shuichi Minamino, aka _Kurama_ , and he was carrying a _pink_ umbrella, for god's sake. Oh, the _atrocities_ – and proceeded his way to her class. He didn't even bother to greet back the girl who had walked up to talk to him as he sauntered his way towards her. However, he stopped dead in his tracks as soon as he caught the sight before him.

Kuronue was talking to her, and Botan was laughing at something he said. For some moments, Kurama merely gaped at them, a blank look in his eyes before his pools of emeralds lost the humanity in them altogether, turning his vibrant green into dark forest. Suddenly, he was reminded that they were close. That Kuronue knew her better than him. Hell, probably even better than she knew herself. And that they were best friends. And he… he didn't even know her. At least, not face to face, he didn't.

He felt a strange twinge of jealousy strike his heart, and turned and left the classroom just in time for Botan to notice him and to hear Kuronue's voice calling out his name.

Alas, in the end, he didn't even have the guts to face her.

* * *

That night, Kurama had wasted away heaps and heaps of his step-father's money, spending them on hours and hours on end playing video games at the arcade and drinking in beverages he wasn't even supposed to at the bar. He wasn't eighteen, but he managed to get in with a free pass from the woman guarding at the entrance with a five-second kiss, given that it didn't involve tongue. He didn't care. He didn't want to care. After all, he hated his workaholic step-father who was too buried in stack of paperworks to care for his children, so why should he even feel guilty for wasting his money? It wasn't his, it was _his_. And besides, he needed to do something to cool down the burning anger still boiling in his heart, the whirlwind of emotions taking residence within him further increasing and further confusing him and causing him to indulge more and more in the petty activities he called his getaway from reality.

But, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't get her out of his mind. Her smile, her blue hair, her gentle, hope-filled and hatred-free eyes. It was a wonder someone could look as divine as she did. Yet, she pulled it off so easily he hated her for it.

All of a sudden, his mother came to mind. His sweet, tender, warm mother. Shiori Minamino. She used to be his world. Before she passed away due to her illness. Botan reminded him sorely of her, and he wasn't even sure if he could accept that. He hated her even more for it. He'd missed his mother everyday, but it was easy to ignore his emotions as that self-defense mechanism was carved into his soul and body since he was a small child, even before she had gone and left him. And yet, Botan was making that harder and harder everyday. But, maybe that was what drew him to her. Maybe that was why Kurama couldn't seem to stop himself from being plague by images of Botan Fukuyama – the girl he claimed was unsuitable for his tastes. Maybe he was just losing it. Maybe he already had.

 _Damn girl._ He mused with a deep scowl attached on his lips, wrath evident on his countenance. He recalled Kuronue, her laugh, their close proximity, and that served to make his blood boil more.

He stumbled over his feet as he exited the bar, barely aware of the five-second kiss woman who went to greet him as he staggered past her and into the empty streets. What time was it? He could barely tell, but knew it was past midnight. Immediately, he thought of his mother. If she was still alive, she would be worried sick. But, she wasn't. And there was no one to care for him.

He mused over it for a moment, but he realized soon after that maybe no one truly cared for him. His so-called 'best friends' only liked him because he was popular. His crazy fangirls only loved him because of his good looks and natural – well, not so natural – charms. He hadn't any real friends. Aside from Kuronue and Hiei. But, he was busy avoiding the former, and the latter was studying overseas. So, really, he had no one. At least, not now, he hadn't.

It never hit him before, but Kurama suddenly felt lonely.

Slumping against the wall of a dark alleyway, the redhead flopped down to his butt, shivering as the cold air touched his equally icy skin. He hiccupped, before wrapping his knees together and bringing them to his lips. He buried his head there, exhaling deep, heavy breaths before the revelation hit him that his eyes were watering. He tried to blink away the liquid, but already tears were forming and falling from the back of his eyes. Shit. Was he _crying_? He hadn't cried since he was twelve. He was such an idiot. What the hell was he doing, wailing his heart out in a dark alleyway? But, despite his insides screaming at him to stop, he couldn't. The warm tears cascaded down his cheeks uncontrollably and before he realized it, violent sobs racked through his curled up form, making him become more acutely aware that he must be seeming fragile.

Was it the alcohol heavily coursing through his system? Or were the tears testimony of the emotions he'd held back for years? He couldn't tell. He couldn't care. He just wanted to go home.

"M-Minamino-kun?" A sputter, terrified and concerned, reached his ears, putting a mid-stop to his bawling. He sniffed, the action slightly endearing as he lifted his head from the sanctuary he called his knees. His eyes locked with a pair of beautiful, glimmering amethysts.

"Botan…" he whispered, but found no voice to go on. The girl darted her eyes around, glancing nervously here and there before averting her gaze back to his seemingly, surprisingly tiny form. Her features softened, then she bent down until she was eye-leveled with him, a warm hand reaching to touch him.

Tender fingers found his freezing cheek, and he subconsciously leaned into her palm.

"Goodness," she half whispered and half cried in surprise, "you're as cold as ice. What happened to you?" she asked, her eyes widening and her cheeks turning bright scarlet as he softly nuzzled the tip of his nose against the skin of her hand and sounded a barely audible whine.

"Come on," she went on, wrapping an arm around the small of his back, "we have to get you out of here before someone sees you." She struggled to pull him up, Kurama's constant wobbling making it slightly hard for her to do so. But, she managed and he laid his head on her shoulder.

Distinctly, he could hear her call his name before he felt his consciousness slowly but gradually being eaten away by the darkness. The last thing he felt was the warmth of her body before he finally felled asleep.

* * *

Kurama felt a warm hand softly caress his bangs, pushing and tucking the lost tresses of fiery red from his long eyelashes. He unconsciously leaned into the touch, feeling the long, tender fingers run through his mane before setting on his head, patting in a comforting manner. Was this a dream? Or was he just waking up?

He realized it was the latter as he felt the warmth of the appendage disappeared, the hand pulling away as its owner moved from their position at the side of the bed. A wave of disappointment and a sense of yearning overtook his senses, but he quickly brushed the feelings off as his ears caught the distinct sound of a ringing phone, followed by an urgent cry of Kuronue's name.

"I found him in an alleyway," It was Botan. Was she speaking to Kuronue on the phone? "You know, the one beside the bar. He's underaged. Do you think he should even be drinking? I mean, not like I'm accusing him of anything of the sort… but, it just seemed as if he was acting a bit out of proportions." A soft sigh was expelled into the cold air filling the room. "Did I do something wrong? He ran off after he saw me… Did I make a mistake when I confessed my feelings for him? Should I not have done that?" Sorrow dripped heavily in her voice, and Kurama could just feel her tears building up at the back of his own eyelids. Though, that might come off weird. "Anyway, he's unconscious now – what was that? Where is he now? Oh, in my room… Hey! It's nothing like that, okay! I-it's just that I didn't know where else to take him. I didn't know where he lived, and I couldn't get a hold of you, thanks to your stupid habit of turning off your phone during times I need you the most, so I just went ahead and… carried him all the way to my house… Oh, my brother's at his friend's, so yeah, good that, if not he'd be busy interrogating me by now."

He heard her laugh, and could have sworn the pleasant sound reminded him strangely of jingle bells. How adorable. And was he smiling in his not-asleep sleep? Yes. Yes, he was.

"Okay, got it. I'll take care of him," Botan said, "Alright, bye, Kuron. See you at school." A moment passed, then he heard her hang up.

Slowly, he flicked his eyes open, focusing his stare first on the ceiling before tilting his head to the side to where he assumed the girl was. Botan sat gingerly in her swivelling chair, the front of her pearl white teeth biting cutely at her plump bottom lip. He blinked a few times to clear the blurriness away from his vision, before continuing to ogle her. Under the fluoroscent blue reflected by the moonlight seeping through her curtains, her eyes seemed different, almost periwinkle, but pretty all the same. It felt like interminable before he assumed she noticed his eyes on her and turned her head to look at him.

"Oh, you're awake," she breathed in relief, a jovial smile pulling up the edge of her lips, spreading from ear to ear. She got up to her feet, and Kurama watched the chair being pushed back before bumping into the edge of her desk. And was she walking to him? Yes, she was. He could have sworn he messed up his face as Botan took a seat on an unoccupied space on the bed, placing a warm hand over his forehead.

"Do you feel alright?" she inquired, though he was more focused on the glossy texture of her pink, honey-dew lips. "Are you hurting anywhere? I have panadols, but I don't know if that will help you."

Kurama parted his lips – and for a moment, he noted they were kind of quivering. He couldn't help it, she just had that kind of effect on him. "N-no," he sputtered, then clearing his throat, repeated in a firmer voice, "No, I'm fine."

She smiled at his response, the relief practically radiating off of her, but kept her hand on his forehead. "Are you sure?" she asked again, to make certain. He could only nod mutely in response before he felt her pull away. Silence engulfed them for a while, before it was swiftly broken off by the blue-haired girl. "If you don't mind me asking," she started with a sheepish grin, "what happened to you? I mean, there's no need for you to tell me. I was just worried and… kind of curious, is all. I mean, you don't –didn't—er, strike me as someone who would drink alcohol. You just seem really reasonable and all. There must be some sort of reason, but then again, like I said, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to…" she started to ramble, but he blocked out the rest of her words with his thoughts.

Ah, how annoying.

He wanted to shut her up. He wanted to kiss her and shut her up.

And he did, grabbing her by the wrist and pulling her down to the bed, his lips slamming against hers in a fevered kiss. He moved his head forward, deepening the lip-lock and felt her body stiffen. She stayed still, emitting waves of confusion and uncertainty, as if she was unsure how to respond. He didn't mind. He knew it was sudden. So he kept it brief and simple and broke it off almost as swiftly as he started it.

At the back of his mind, he noted that her lips was soft and sweet, yet acidic and addicting against his mouth – like citrus or something similar. Definitely better than that five-second kiss woman he met at the bar. It made him greedy for more, and he licked his lips, savoring the taste of her and the warmth her mouth left, before looking straight into her eyes. Ah, but he had to hold back, he knew. Wouldn't want to scare the poor girl, now would he? He watched her, emerald irises dancing in mild amusement and a playful grin teasing at his lips as she fidgeted under his stare, the rosy hue she developed on her cheeks making her seem almost angel-like.

"I'm sorry," he started, "I had to shut you up. You were talking too much." But he sounded less than sincere. In fact, his voice dripped with mischief… and seductiveness? He wasn't sure, but his grin had taken on a more wolfish, slightly provocative approach. He gagged on a laugh as the girl turned ten shades darker at his teasing advances on her, finding it hard to resist the urge to be mean to her when she was acting so endearing like that.

"W-well, that's okay, I suppose," she said, after a pause to clear her throat. Her voice sounded a little hoarse. "At the very least, that means you're fine enough to go off and pull a stunt like that," she finished, looking at everywhere in the room but him.

Kurama couldn't tell if she was being serious or joking, but either way, one thing he knew for certain was that she didn't exactly regret the kiss they shared. Even though he did initiate it when she was least expecting it. He smirked for only a milisecond, before it then changed into a warm, tender, and _genuine_ smile. One he hadn't given to anyone for a long time. But, Botan wasn't just anyone, he realized, she was different. In what way, he still didn't know. But, he was well aware of the fact that she was far distinct from the others. Far different, far… easier for him to be comfortable around.

And to think he was talking about the same girl he first noticed a week ago. The girl he thought was undeserving of his attention. Although, she quickly proved him wrong.

"And to answer your previous question," he started, gaining her attention. His voice was softer this time, sounding almost as if it didn't belong to him as he went on, "something _did_ happen."

She blinked. "W-what is it?"

He shook his head. "Secret," he said mysteriously, giving her a cryptic smile as she pinned a befuddled stare on him. He couldn't exactly tell her that the reason he even started drinking in the first place was that he was jealous of her being too close to Kuronue, nor could he really bluff and say that nothing was wrong with him. He didn't really feel like lying to her, after all.

She shrugged. "Okay, it's fine if you don't want to talk about it with me… but I just want you to know that whatever you're feeling at the moment, you shouldn't keep it to yourself," she half-scolded him, though her voice was gentle. He smiled, suddenly tempted to tell her. Besides, it would be amusing to see how she'd react to his confession.

"I was jealous," he spoke, voice flirty, but features dead serious, "of you and Kuronue."

"What?" Her eyes widened, and true enough, as expected, he could see a familiar blush creep up her neck and cheeks. "W-what are you—didn't you say that I wasn't your type?" she questioned, features doubtful as she casted a fake-angry look at him, though the effect clearly wore off due to the pink tinge coloring nearly most of her face.

He shrugged, but his grin visibly widened. She furrowed her brows, further bewildered by his vague reply. Though, she chose to say nothing and clamped her mouth shut as he tilted his head and fixed his gaze outside the window.

"You know," he began, all of a sudden. His eyes grew lost, almost as if he was drifting off into the clouds, "I don't think I feel like myself these days."

She blinked, clearly not expecting his abrupt outburst. "And why is that?" she asked anyway.

"I've been," he paused momentarily to muse over the correct words, turning to look at her, "reverting to my old self more often than not nowadays, most of the time without my own realization."

"Your old self…?" she echoed the words, wondering what he was going on about. Was he ever different before?

His lips tugged upwards into a toothy grin. "I used to be just like you, you know," he said, watching as the shock crossed her countenance, "Just like you. But I changed a long time ago." Or at least, he thought he did. Now, he wasn't even sure if he ever did change. "I was once bullied, you know. And I kind of hated you because… well, everytime I looked at you, you reminded me of myself. It was… frustrating."

"Oh…" Her eyes softened, reflecting deep remorse, even though she basically hadn't done anything wrong. "I-I didn't know, I'm sorry… I… I could get over you if you want… I mean, if it bothers you that much that I like you…" she trailed off, initially well-meaning in her words, before falling short, as if realizing that she herself was unsure if she could move on from her feelings for him.

He shook his head, his features growing stern. "No, Botan," he assured her, voice firm but gentle, "don't ever change yourself for anyone. You're fine as you are. And besides," He grinned, "would I have kissed you if it bothers me that much that you harbor feelings for me?" he joked to ease the tension a little, only to realize a moment later that he wasn't really kidding.

Botan turned bright scarlet in the face at the reminder of the kiss, but nodded her head regardless. "O-okay, I guess you're right…" she murmured, before a curious look dawned on her features. "T-then, why did you say that you've been reverting back to your old self?" she asked, before getting caught off guard as Kurama openly permitted the lowest of chuckle to rumble in his chest.

"Can't you tell?" he said, though his words came across more of a statement than an inquiry. Yet, even still, she shook her head. A quirk of his lips, and he leaned slightly forward. "Because, my dear, your presence just makes me feel like I can be myself. And I don't mean the 'myself' that I forced myself to believe was the real me, but… my old self. My perpetual, never changing nerdy self." He pulled back to look at her reaction, ogling her in mild amusement as her eyes slowly widened in realization. "So you see, Botan, I never really changed. I just thought I did. But then, that was all a fantasy… or a semblance, to be more precise."

He leaned against the headboard and procceeded to stare at the moon emitting a soft blue light outside the window, inwardly noting that the bed smelled heavily of peonies as he inhaled the sweet scent. _Her_ scent, he realized, when he put more thought into it. "I was crying when you found me, right?" he questioned all of a sudden, causing the girl to blink, but nodded her head nonetheless.

"I was thinking of my mother," he murmured, "I've been trying to bury memories of her in the deepest part of my heart, hoping that I wouldn't have to recall the pain of losing her. And although it never fully worked, as I still miss her everyday, it got easier to deal with the torment." He whirled his head to face Botan, his gaze locking with hers, his pools of emeralds smoldering and seeming to stare right through her soul as they peeked through his long eyelashes and met hers. "Until I met you."

Botan sputtered. "M-me?"

He nodded, then paused, before going on, "You… you just ignite these feelings within me. For some reason, I can't stop thinking about you." He smiled as the girl blushed beet red at his confession. "And I don't know why, and perhaps it's because you and my mother bear a striking resemblance in terms of personality, but… everytime I thought of you, I couldn't help but also think of my mother. And that…" His smile felled, his voice sounding as if it would break under pressure as he reluctantly, yet also willingly continued, "… that just scared the hell out of me. The way you could just prod into the personal matters of my heart in such a short time. Is such a thing even impossible? I don't know, but I know what I've been feeling is true, Botan. I-I… You remind me too much of my mother, and that really hurts… but it's also gratifying…"

"G-gratifying?"

"Yes… gratifying." He laughed. "Do you know how long has it been since I've last cried?" he asked, although he wasn't expecting an answer. She waited for him to go on, and he did. "I haven't done it since I was twelve," he whispered, "and although it had been embarrassing to think that you caught me in my most fragile state, it had… lifted some of the overwhelming burden I never realized I carried in my heart." He then took hold of her hand, smiling as her eyes grew wide with surprise and her cheeks flushed bright pink. "And for that, I thank you."

"Oh, Kurama…" Her features softened, and gathering her courage, she moved to intertwine their fingers together, "You don't need to thank me. I-I never knew you felt that way. You went through so much…" Her countenance grew stern as she looked at him straight in the eyes. "But I just want you to know that no matter what happens, you don't need to hold everything in. You can cry if you want. You can share your problems if you want. You have Kuronue… and me. You're not alone… Not alone, Kurama," she said in a low voice, almost as if in a hushed whisper, but he caught her words anyway, her straightforwardness taking him by surprise.

Shock dying down seconds after, the redhead merely stared at the girl. Her eyes, bright and filled with hope, her smile, tender and filled with affection, Botan looked absolutely beautiful beyond compare. It was then that he realized how she managed to 'infest' herself into his mind, how she managed to attract him… how she drew him in. Never mind the similar attributes she shared with his mother, never mind the hidden beauty and sweet innocence behind her pools of amethysts and the slightest quirk of her lips. There were people who shined, but had no warmth. Botan was the exact opposite of that.

She didn't shine, but she emitted so much warmth that it made him feel safe.

"Can you stay?" he blurted out before he could stop himself as she made to stand up from the bed. She blinked at him, tilting her head in a cute, questioning manner and he could have sworn the blood rushed to his head. "Please," he whispered, voice more desperate than he expected it would be, and his bottled green orbs pleading at her. The girl blushed, catching on to what he meant. She hesitated only for a moment, almost as if wondering if it was appropriate, but then nodded her head as a yes.

Kurama smiled in gratitude, watching as the girl slid under the blankets, her head falling to the soft, baby blue pillow. Kurama sighed, lying on his back and flopping his head beside hers. They stared at each other for a moment, looking into one another's eyes, then, in a split second, leaned forward and softly touched their lips. Brief, featherlike, and chaste, it was broken off almost instantly as Botan turned to the side, her back now facing his in an attempt to hide the blush creeping up her cheeks from his view. The redhead let out a short but genuine laugh at the adorable display, before sighing softly and wrapping an arm protectively around her waist. He felt her body turn into a rigid line at the feel of his heaving chest against the small of her back, before she slowly but gradually relaxed, a soft sigh escaping her lips as she felt him bury his head into her hair and inhaled her scent.

"Botan," he called, and she turned slightly to look at him. He looked into her eyes, then, in a voice, barely audible, but filled with care and affection, whispered the words, "Give me time."

She stared at him in confusion, pondering over the hidden message behind his words. It took her a moment to let his sudden statement sink in, and when it eventually did, she smiled. _Of course._ Time… _Time for him to properly respond to her feelings._ She nodded, knowing that despite the fact he'd never said those three words to her, he wouldn't push her away.

Kurama smiled as Botan shifted in his arms to face him, before burying her head in the safety of his chest. A soft snore, and he realized that she had fallen asleep. He reached for a strand of blue hair, curling it around his finger and bringing it to his lips. What a shame. And here he thought he could ask her what she saw in someone as lowly as him. Never mind, _he smiled_ , there was more than enough time for that.

He wasn't sure if he loved her. He'd never been in love. But, he knew that the attraction was there. And he knew he wanted her. More than anything he ever wanted before. But, he needed time to sort out his feelings for her, to ensure that he wouldn't hurt her – no, _them_ – in the future. Besides, _what_ was love, anyway? _How_ was he supposed to know if he was in love? He still wasn't sure. And maybe he'd never be sure. After all, love was a complicated thing, a feeling too ineffable to comprehend that easily. What was more, it was more difficult to understand an emotion you'd never felt before. And maybe he didn't love her. Maybe he was on the way to loving her. Or maybe he already was… But no matter what would occur between them from then onwards, Kurama knew one thing for certain;

He would never let her go.

After all, after all those long years, he finally found the one who was able to understand him. The only one who knew the real him. And he had no doubt that in time, she would be able to heal him, filling the void in his heart and vanquishing the sorrow in his soul with her warmth, open arms and kindness. And maybe, just maybe, he could finally find someone for him to live for… someone for him to eventually be happy as himself with. Someone he could call a lifelong partner – which was a role he had no doubt she could fulfil in no time at all.

After all, she was an angel – _his_ angel – and no other being fitted perfectly with him than the woman lying beside him.


End file.
